Jack Sparrow's School Of Piracy
by Bellini Girl
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner make a bet with each other...can they recruit a new crew and train them? Or will the rum just prove too tempting? Sign up here before 15 November and join the crew yourself!
1. The intro drumroll

Jack Sparrow's School of Piracy  
  
"You know, Will," said Jack, "I need some new crewmembers." "Why?" "Because I don't have any. Except you, of course, but you're just useless!" "I am not!" "Are!" "Am not!" "Are!" "AM NOT!" "ARE!" "Can it, you guys," said Elizabeth crossly. "Jack, the reason you don't have any crewmembers is because you're a rootless alcoholic with no friends who nobody trusts. Will, you are useless. Accept it." "Well, now you're just being mean," said Jack. "Yeah, Elizabeth. Call off your dogs," said Will. "Shut up, whelp, you are useless and you know it." "Oh yeah? Well you have no friends!" "I do!" "You don't!" "I do!" "YOU DON'T!" "I bet you I do!" "Oh yeah? Well, if you can rustle up a willing crew in the space of a week, then you win the bet." "What do you bet?" "Fifty gold pieces." "Oooooh, fun! Deal. You will so pay me those coins, whelp." "HAH! Even if you do get a crew, it's unlikely that they'll have the ability to crew a boat," scoffed Elizabeth. "Oh yeah? Well, I'll train them too!" "Oh yeah?" "YEAH!" "Can I help?" asked Will. "Me too?" asked Elizabeth. "Sure! There's plenty of students for everyone-I hope," said Jack. "Well, start the advertisement already," said Will impatiently.  
  
If you would like to be a part of Jack Sparrow's new crew, please email me at crazyassbitch@kittymail.com (do not ask why that is my email address. It is a long story involving a cheating ex, a sharp pencil and a nickname that quickly began circulating. As I said, DON'T ASK.) Tell me your name, age, description of yourself, favourite character, what you think of different characters in POTC, why you want to be part of the crew and what useful skill you have. (Plus, if your name is confusing and you could be either a boy or a girl, please tell me which as I don't want any embarrassing mix-ups.) 


	2. Yes! It has begun!

"So, tell me, Jack...did anyone apply?" asked Will snidely.  
  
"Yeah," said Jack enthusiastically. "And they're almost all girls! Pretty, clever, gorgeous, slim...drool..."  
  
"Jack, you do know that you can't actually date any of your students, right?" said Elizabeth.  
  
"Yes!" said Jack defensively. "What do you take me for?"  
  
"I'm sorry...just checking," said Elizabeth, returning to her copy of Vogue.  
  
"Will, mate, is it true I can't date my students?" hissed Jack nervously.  
  
"Yeah, mate," said Will.  
  
"Damn! There goes one of my fringe benefits," said Jack huffily.  
  
"Who's our first applicant?" asked Will.  
  
A tall girl with short blonde hair came in. "Hi, I'm Jade. I've come about that advert for a crew."  
  
"Hubba hubba," said Will.  
  
"I'll say," said Jack. "Sigh! If only I could date my students..."  
  
"I didn't make the rules," said Elizabeth.  
  
"How old are you, Jade?" asked Will.  
  
"Nineteen," said Jade. "I like athletics, I'm good at sword fighting, I'm three-times-champion of the USA Teen Bikini Modelling Competition-"  
  
"Oh, man!" said Jack.  
  
"And I'd love to join your crew," she finished, smiling widely.  
  
"Welcome aboard," said Will.  
  
"Great! Hi Jack," said Jade, sitting down next to him.  
  
"Hi," said Jack. "Anyone else coming to apply?"  
  
"Yeah, they're queuing down the street," said Jade, picking up a Danish pastry.  
  
"Who's next?" asked Will.  
  
"A girl called Amber," said Jack.  
  
"What kind of name is Amber?" asked Elizabeth disparagingly.  
  
Will didn't say anything. Once the bitch was out, it was wise to say nothing until it went back in again.  
  
There was a knock at the door.  
  
"Yeah, come in," said Jack despondently.  
  
"Right, who's our next applicant?" asked Will.  
  
"A girl named Amber," said Jack, consulting his list. "As you already know."  
  
"Bring her in!" shouted Jack, thumping his rum bottle on the table. The door swung open and a tall blonde girl bounded in.  
  
"Oh my God, you look so much like Bambi!" she squealed at Jack. "That is SO your new nickname!"  
  
"I thought I told you to screen out the psychos," Jack muttered at Will, blushing furiously.  
  
"I did," said Will defensively.  
  
"Who did you reject?" asked Jack incredulously.  
  
"The psychos," said Will.  
  
"What did you think she was?" hissed Jack.  
  
Amber cleared her throat.  
  
"So, what's your name?" Jack asked Amber.  
  
"Amber, you idiot," said Will, elbowing Jack. "You just said it!"  
  
"Be nice to Bambi," said Amber reproachfully, glaring at Will.  
  
Elizabeth snorted with laughter.  
  
"How old are you, Amber?" asked Jack quickly, turning from red to purple.  
  
"Eighteen," replied Amber, sitting down on one of the various sofas around the room and putting her feet up. She pulled out a copy of Cosmo and started flicking through it.  
  
"I like her," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Me too," said Will. "You're hired!"  
  
"Great!" said Amber.  
  
"Oh noooooo," muttered Jack.  
  
There was another knock at the door.  
  
"Oh...come in!" yelled Will.  
  
Another girl with black hair and dark brown eyes came in. "Hi, I'm Deb. Hey, Will." She batted her eyelashes. "Hi, Jack." She winked at him.  
  
"Hmmmph," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Err...hi, Deb, how old are you?" asked Will, trying not to stare.  
  
"19," said Deb, flicking her hair and pouting.  
  
"What special skills do you have?" asked Jack.  
  
"Well, I'm loyal, brave, VERY sarcastic, witty, dry sense of humour, I tend to put myself in danger even when it's completely unnecessary, good liar, I'm a flirt..."  
  
"Ooooh," said Will, unable to contain his anticipation.  
  
"Oooh, I know. Shame on me...well, not really," said Deb, making kissy faces at Jack.  
  
"What? Oh, yeah," said Jack, not taking his eyes off her.  
  
"I'm a strong and smart girl, I'd love to spend my life in the sea. I love rum..."  
  
"Thank you God," muttered Jack.  
  
"And my special skills are: I'm pretty good at hand to hand combat, I can use a sword, I'm a fast learner, I'm good at climbing, and I can play the innocent girl and everyone falls for it," said Deb, strolling over to Jack and trying to squeeze into the space between him and Jade. Upon failing, she simply sat down on his lap and looped her arm around his neck.  
  
"Whoa," breathed Jack.  
  
"I know," said Will.  
  
"WILL!" snapped Elizabeth.  
  
"What?" asked Will.  
  
"Stop staring!"  
  
"I'm not, I'm being attentive! See!" He stared into Elizabeth's face.  
  
Elizabeth folded her arms. "You were looking about eight inches south of there."  
  
"I was not!"  
  
"You were!"  
  
"I was not!"  
  
"You were!"  
  
"Um, excuse me..." A girl with red hair tied into two braids put her head round the door.  
  
"Yes," said Jack impatiently, tearing his eyes away from Deb.  
  
"I'm Candy, and...GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY JACK!" shrieked Candy.  
  
"Get bent," said Deb.  
  
"I will not," said Candy.  
  
"Ladies, ladies, let's not argue," said Elizabeth. "He's not worth fighting over."  
  
"Of course I'm not...there's plenty of me to go round," said Jack, beckoning Candy over and patting his other knee.  
  
"That's not what I meant," said Elizabeth.  
  
Candy ignored her, walked over to Jack and gave Deb a shove.  
  
"Aaargh!" yelled Deb, toppling onto the floor. Candy promptly sat down on Jack's knee before she could get up.  
  
"Hey, you, get off my seat!" said Deb.  
  
"No way," said Candy, clinging onto Jack.  
  
"Whoa...is this a bad time?" asked a girl with long red hair and cobalt blue eyes.  
  
"No, no..." said Will.  
  
"Oh good, I'm Litha," said the girl.  
  
"Welcome aboard," said Jack, trying to keep Deb and Candy away from each other.  
  
"You didn't even interview me," said Litha.  
  
"And more to the point, there's no boys!" said Elizabeth. "It's not fair! Anyway, you two shouldn't be flirting with the pupils. It's exploitative, unfair, wrong-"  
  
"Hi, I'm Vaughn," said a boy with black hair and blue eyes as he entered the room.  
  
"-And my name's Elizabeth, how are you?" asked Elizabeth, crossing and uncrossing her legs.  
  
"Elizabeth, darling, there's a toilet down the hall if you need it," said Will pointedly.  
  
"Shut up, Will," hissed Elizabeth.  
  
"Is this where the pirate school is?" asked Vaughn.  
  
"Oh, yeah...hey, Litha?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Will you keep this show on the road? I'm pooped. Accept all applicants, I'll greet them in the morning before we set sail." Jack got up and yawned.  
  
"All of them?" asked Litha.  
  
"Yeah. And meet down here at 9am. We have to go and recruit my good friend Norrington and persuade him to lend us his ship." 


	3. Once again, I cannot think of a name, so...

"So, Commodore, that's why you should donate your ship for a month or two," concluded Jack.  
  
"So you say that I should lend you, of all people, my ship, just before the  
  
'Commodore of the Year' competition, so that you can train up a fresh breed of pirate for me to chase around?"  
  
"Well, yeah," said Jack.  
  
"Pretty please?" said Will.  
  
"No," said the Commodore.  
  
"Be nice to Bambi," said Amber reproachfully.  
  
The Commodore's eyebrows shot up at the mention of Jack's new nickname. He snorted in poorly suppressed laughter.  
  
"Problem, Commodore?" asked Jack coldly.  
  
"No, no," said the Commodore, before dissolving into full-on giggles.  
  
"Allow me," said Deb, smoothing back her hair. She slunk over to the Commodore and put her hand on the back of his neck before staring into his eyes.  
  
"Won't you please just let us borrow your ship for a while? For me?" She bit her lip and looked up at him through her eyelashes.  
  
"Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt..." conceded the Commodore.  
  
"Yes!" cheered Jack.  
  
"...but only if I can come with you and help teach them," concluded the Commodore.  
  
"Oh man," said Will.  
  
"Hey, you can still borrow my boat," said the Commodore, eyeing Deb, who had gone back over to Jack and was whispering in his ear as Candy glared.  
  
"All right then," said Will. "Everyone onto the boat!"  
  
"Yaaaaaay!" cheered everyone, piling up the gangplank and onto the boat.  
  
"All right, first lesson," said Jack. "How to set sail."  
  
"Cool," said an extremely tall girl with dark red-brown hair.  
  
"You're Laura, right?" said Jack, consulting a list.  
  
"Yeah," said the girl.  
  
"Good. Erm...right, first step...pull in the anchor!"  
  
A small girl with shoulder-length reddish brown hair and green eyes seized the anchor chain and began to haul on it.  
  
"No, dear, it would be better if you allowed one of us men to do it..." began Will, but stopped when he saw the anchor emerging from the water.  
  
"Wow, what's your name?" asked Jack as she hauled the anchor up.  
  
"Here, I'll take that," said the Commodore, anxious to save face.  
  
"Great." She handed the anchor to him and went over to Jack. There was a loud splash as the anchor pulled the Commodore over the side of the boat, and everyone ran to help except Jack and the girl.  
  
"My name's Ebony," she said. "I'm surprisingly strong."  
  
"You don't say," said Jack, watching Elizabeth haul a soaking wet, spluttering Commodore back onto the ship.  
  
"Hey, you couldn't help us haul the anchor back up, could you?" called Will.  
  
"Coming!" said Ebony, heading back over.  
  
"Right, lesson 2...getting moving!" Jack expertly rigged up the sails and they headed out to sea.  
  
"Soooo...." said Deb, "I hear you allocated me to your friend Will's classes. Any reason for this?" She smiled at him flirtily.  
  
"Nope. It was all done alphabetically," said Jack.  
  
"Oh, you must have been really disappointed...not being able to see me every day..." Deb leaned forward a little to show more cleavage.  
  
"Totally," said Jack, his eyes widening. Meanwhile, Candy was leaning on the railing surrounding the deck, scowling angrily at Jack and Deb. She needed to come up with a plan...  
  
"So, what are you doing this evening?" said Deb, staring into Jack's eyes.  
  
"Oh, err, hard to say," said Jack.  
  
"Quick, Deb, there's a boy in the water!" yelled Candy. Deb rushed over.  
  
"Where?" she said, leaning over the side. Candy quickly gave her a push.  
  
"Aaaaaaaahhhhh..." screamed Deb. There was a loud splash. Candy quickly sauntered over to Jack and turned on the charm. Seconds later, there was a yell from Elizabeth. "Quick! Man overboard!"  
  
"Woman, thank you very much!" spat Deb from the sea.  
  
"Hey, isn't that Deb?" said Will.  
  
"What?" said Jack.  
  
"Nothing important," said Candy quickly, turning him away from the action.  
  
"My class below decks to learn technical information!" yelled Will as he pulled Deb back onto the deck.  
  
"Boooooooooooo!" yelled everyone.  
  
"Stop moaning and do it! I'm going to show you how to make swords and then you can make your own!" said Will.  
  
"Hooray!" cheered everyone. They all went below decks with Will.  
  
"So, now Deb's out of the way, how about we get to know each other?" said Jade, winking at Jack.  
  
"Sparrow! A word!" called the Commodore from the stern.  
  
"Oh, what now?" Jack stomped over to him. "You called?"  
  
"Yes. I've noticed you're getting a little over familiar with one or two...or all...of the pupils."  
  
"So?"  
  
"There's actually a code of conduct banning teacher-pupil relationships..."  
  
"Oh, I know. Elizabeth already told me."  
  
"So why are you flirting?"  
  
"I don't know." Jack shrugged.  
  
"Oh. Well...just don't. OK?"  
  
"Aye aye, Captain," said Jack sarcastically, heading back to Candy.  
  
An hour later, Will's class emerged from below deck clutching various designs of sword.  
  
"Look at this!" cried Brianna, swinging her sword around and chopping the top off the Commodore's wig.  
  
"Watch it!" snapped the Commodore, scooping up the severed grey curls from the deck.  
  
Will emerged from below decks looking exhausted.  
  
"You look terrible, mate. What's up?" asked Jack.  
  
"Deb spent the entire lesson making moves on me! Eventually I had to tell her that I couldn't date her because she was a student and I was her teacher! You couldn't take her in your class, could you? Just for now?"  
  
"Well..." Jack looked over at Deb, who promptly blew him a kiss.  
  
"OK. But it's such a major sacrifice. You owe me big."  
  
"Thanks mate!" Will smiled. "I'm going to go down to my cabin and change out of this shirt."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Oh, Brianna accidentally slashed the back of it."  
  
"Oh, OK. I'll go and tell Deb." He went over to her. "Hey, Deb."  
  
"Jacky!"  
  
"Err, yeah. Listen, you're being transferred over to my class. Is that OK?"  
  
"Ahh, couldn't live without me, could you?"  
  
"No, err, well..."  
  
"So I'm your student now?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"Great, see you in a minute." She quickly headed below decks.  
  
"Where's she going?" asked the Commodore.  
  
"Don't know," said Jack, turning to talk to a brown haired, freckled girl called Stephanie.  
  
Meanwhile, down in his cabin, Will had just pulled off his shirt when Deb leaned round the door.  
  
"Hi, Will," she said, moving slowly towards him.  
  
"What? I thought we talked about this!" said Will, backing away from her.  
  
"Yeah, but I was thinking...I'm not your student any more," said Deb, with a sly smile.  
  
"Oh, I do not want to know what that means," said Will, taking another step back and realising that he had reached the wall.  
  
"Oh, Will...if only you weren't so shy, and didn't think about things so much...you're so...so..."  
  
"No...back...get back, woman," said Will feebly, grabbing something to fend her off with.  
  
"Oh, you're so funny, Will," said Deb.  
  
Will looked down and saw that he had grabbed a banana. He reached out the other hand and grabbed the nearest table lamp just as Deb finally lunged at him.  
  
It was at this point that Elizabeth walked in.  
  
"WILL! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" she screeched.  
  
"Elizabeth! I was trying to beat her off with this lamp, what does it look like?" said Will.  
  
"It looks like you were engaging in some sort of fetish involving bananas and table lamps with ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS!"  
  
"She's not my student!" protested Will.  
  
"Oh, so that makes it OK," said Elizabeth sarcastically, turning on her heel and stomping off.  
  
"Elizabeth! Come back!" Will ran after her.  
  
"Get away from me, William! Dad was right, I should have married the Commodore!" sobbed Elizabeth.  
  
"Hello!" said the Commodore, bobbing up in front of her.  
  
"Get out of my way, dork!" yelled Elizabeth, punching him on the nose.  
  
"Why?" asked the Commodore, bravely and, some would say, foolishly, standing his ground.  
  
"Will, banana," said Elizabeth. Will meekly handed it over.  
  
"Bend over," she said to the Commodore, gesturing violently with the banana.  
  
"On second thoughts, I think I'll leave," said the Commodore, making a speedy exit.  
  
"Wise choice!" called Will as Elizabeth hurled the banana after the Commodore's retreating back.  
  
"Shut up, William!" Elizabeth slapped him hard, before storming down to her cabin and bolting the door behind her.  
  
"Elizabeth, open the door so that we can talk about this," pleaded Will.  
  
"Get out of here!" she screeched from within. There was the sound of glass shattering.  
  
"I'm going to stay here until you come out!" said Will, sitting down beside the door.  
  
"Then you'll be waiting for a long time, you git!" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"Please come out, darling," pleaded Will.  
  
"Go to hell!" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"Problems?" A small girl with black hair and green eyes came up to him.  
  
"You could say that," said Will.  
  
"I'm Rue. Can I help?"  
  
"Go nuts," said Will despondently.  
  
"Elizabeth?" began Rue, knocking on the door. "Will you come out?"  
  
"No," sobbed Elizabeth.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I hate him!"  
  
"Yes, we all hate him..."  
  
"Hey!" said Will, offended.  
  
"Shut up, whelp," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Don't call me that!" protested Will.  
  
"Will, maybe you should go," suggested Rue.  
  
"Hey, Master William!" It was Jack.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What's going on, mate?"  
  
"Elizabeth's pissed because she thinks I was making out with Debbie..."  
  
"Dude!" Jack thumped him on the back.  
  
"No no," said Will.  
  
"He wasn't just doing that!" Elizabeth sobbed through the door. "He was engaging in a strange practice involving bananas and table lamps!"  
  
"Whoa, mate," said Jack. "I mean, I thought you were a bit strange, but still..."  
  
"I wasn't!" screamed Will, before a sudden thought struck him. "Hey, who's steering the boat?"  
  
"Oh, I left Katie and Frankie in charge," said Jack nonchalantly.  
  
"Katie and Frankie? As in, the criminally insane pair who refuse to pay attention to anything for more than five minutes? As in the two silliest, most hyper girls I have ever met?"  
  
"Yeah, that's them," said Jack, taking a swig of rum.  
  
"Are you sure that was wise..." began Will, but he was cut off by an enormous crash and loud crunching noise. The ship suddenly began to list alarmingly to the right and water began to seep into the corridor.  
  
"Jack?" Frankie's voice came down the stairs. "I think I screwed up..."  
  
"Abandon ship!" yelled the Commodore, running past.  
  
"Seconded," said Rue, turning tail and disappearing up the stairs.  
  
Will and Jack ran after her, closely followed by Elizabeth, who had decided to come out after all.  
  
"What happened?" said Will, marvelling at the vast rock they had crashed into. "How could you steer directly into that?"  
  
"Well, you know...we were just pottering along, minding our own business..." began Frankie.  
  
"And then this giant rock, like, you know, just threw itself at us," said Katie.  
  
"That's not just a rock, that's an island," pointed out the Commodore, before the ship lurched violently.  
  
"Everyone onto the island!" said Jack.  
  
The group scrambled onto the island and watched the ship disappear beneath the waves.  
  
"What do we do now?" asked Will. 


	4. I updated! It's still weird! Jack's st...

"What do we do now?" asked Will.  
  
"Let's set up a new country!" suggested Seona.  
  
"I call president!" yelled Stephanie.  
  
"You can't just call president," said Seona.  
  
"Yes I can," said Stephanie.  
  
"It was my idea that we should make a new country," protested Seona.  
  
"It was my idea that it should be a dictatorship. And that I should be president," countered Stephanie.  
  
"Hey, look at this," said Brittany, snapping a chunk of purple rock off a nearby boulder.  
  
"Stop breaking my country!" shrieked Stephanie.  
  
"It is not your country!" said Seona.  
  
"It is! I called president!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So!"  
  
"Stop it, girls," said Amanda. "We all know that, if anyone should be president, then it's me."  
  
"What about me? I'm president of my school debating society," said Jade.  
  
"I'm president of LOTR Obsessives Anonymous," said Katie.  
  
"You're also the only member," pointed out Frankie.  
  
"That's neither here nor there," said Katie.  
  
"I'm president of the literary society!" said Seona.  
  
"I'm president of my school newspaper!" said Amanda.  
  
"And I'm president of this country, so there," said Stephanie. "This shall be my throne," she declared, plonking herself down on a nearby giant fungus.  
  
"Harrumph," said everyone else.  
  
"Hey, that's my lump of old cheese!" Everyone turned to see Elizabeth and Frankie engaged in a tug of war over a piece of mouldy blue cheese.  
  
"No, it's mine!" yelled Elizabeth.  
  
"But I'm hungry!" moaned Frankie, tugging harder.  
  
"But it's my piece of cheese!" yelled Elizabeth.  
  
"Who would even want it?" asked the Commodore. "It's mouldy and blue."  
  
"I want it! It's mine!" screeched Frankie.  
  
"Oh, boy. This isn't going to be resolved any time soon," said Rue.  
  
"We need...a court!" declared the Commodore.  
  
"I call judge!" said Stephanie quickly.  
  
"Hey, that's not fair!" yelled Brittany.  
  
"Is too," said Stephanie.  
  
"You're already president," Litha pointed out.  
  
"All the more reason for me to be the judge," said Stephanie. "It's my country, I can do what I like."  
  
"Hmmmph," said Brianna, crossing her arms and pouting.  
  
"Right. My court is now in session, this shall be my wig," stated Stephanie, scooping up a bundle of seaweed and slapping it onto her head. She looked at Frankie and Elizabeth. "State your case."  
  
"It's my cheese, I found it..." began Frankie.  
  
"In my trunk!" butted in Elizabeth.  
  
"And I hereby invoke the right of 'finders keepers'" Frankie continued.  
  
"And I use the right of property ownership," said Elizabeth haughtily. "As in, it was in my trunk before she nicked it."  
  
"Did not!" spat Frankie.  
  
"Right, right, settle down. After extensive deliberations, I declare that the cheese be given to...Frankie!" declared Stephanie.  
  
"All right!" cheered Frankie, golloping down the cheese in one bite.  
  
"Bitch," muttered Elizabeth.  
  
"Excuse me, but you can't call me that, I'm the judge," said Stephanie. "Guards, remove her."  
  
"Err, we don't actually have a police force," said Will.  
  
"We should make one!" declared Laura.  
  
"I call commissioner!" yelled Stephanie.  
  
"Oh no," moaned Ebony.  
  
"Someone gag her," said Natalia.  
  
"I feel sick," moaned Frankie.  
  
"Probably the cheese," said Jack.  
  
"That's it! I'm suing Elizabeth for knowingly allowing me to eat rotten cheese!" declared Frankie.  
  
"You stole it from me!" yelled Elizabeth.  
  
"Judge! Judge, I wish to sue!" shouted Frankie.  
  
"Application granted," said Stephanie, plucking a starfish from her seaweed- wig. "This shall be my police badge," she said, sticking it to her lapel. "State your case."  
  
"Your honour, this woman knowingly gave me rotten cheese that is causing me to feel nauseous, and for this I claim damages," said Frankie.  
  
"Bollocks!" yelled Elizabeth.  
  
"Excuse me, this is my court..." began Stephanie.  
  
"For goodness sake, SHUT UP!" yelled Elizabeth.  
  
"That's it! Call the police to arrest her!" yelled Stephanie.  
  
"You are the police," said Candy.  
  
"Oh. Then call the coastguard!"  
  
"We don't have a coastguard..." began the Commodore.  
  
"I call captain!" yelled Stephanie.  
  
"Oh, bloody hell," said Seona.  
  
"Look, why don't we just settle down for the night, we can discuss it in the morning," said the Commodore.  
  
"OK, this is where I'm sleeping," declared Elizabeth, shoving Frankie off the rock where she was sitting and lying down on it.  
  
"Hey!" yelled Frankie, getting up and rubbing her head.  
  
"Let's get out of here," Jack muttered to Candy, grabbing her arm and pulling her into a cluster of trees.  
  
"Wha..." began Candy, but Jack shushed her. They both sat down on a nearby log.  
  
"Look, I know I've had my fair share of women...well, I've had a lot of people's fair share of women...but...well...hmm..."  
  
"What is it?" asked Candy.  
  
"Well...would you like to maybe go out with me sometime?" Jack mumbled at his feet.  
  
"Hell yeah!" said Candy, before remembering that you're not meant to seem too keen. "Yeah, OK, I suppose that'd be fun," she said with a grin.  
  
"Great!" said Jack, before lunging at her.  
  
"Jack...erm...maybe we shouldn't do this right now," said Candy, summoning a great deal of willpower and pushing him away.  
  
"What? Why?" asked Jack.  
  
Candy pointed wordlessly at a nearby tree, where Frankie was clearly visible sitting on a branch.  
  
"Hello," she said, with an evil grin.  
  
"What? Oh, just piss off, would you?" said Jack impatiently.  
  
"No," said Frankie, grinning more widely.  
  
Jack moaned and groaned before settling down to sleep next to Candy. Morning could not come soon enough.  
  
"Look at the stars," said Candy reflectively.  
  
"Huh?" muttered Jack, rolling onto his back and looking up at the sky, which was indeed speckled with stars. "Oh yeah. Hey, look at that one!"  
  
"Isn't that Venus?" said Candy. "Oh, how romantic!"  
  
"Yeah. Goddess of love, wasn't she? I bet she looked just like you."  
  
"Aaaahhh!" said Candy. "Keep talking!"  
  
"Well, the appearance of the planet Venus probably signifies love-"began Jack.  
  
"Hey, isn't Venus the planet with the poisonous gas and rivers of burning acid?" piped up Frankie from her tree.  
  
"Well..." said Jack, but Frankie interrupted again.  
  
"And the searing temperatures, and the huge volcanoes..."  
  
"Shut up," said Jack warningly.  
  
"And did you know that if you stepped out of your spacecraft onto the planet's surface you would be squished to a pulp by the pressure, dissolved by the acid, fried by the heat and poisoned by the gases simultaneously?" concluded Frankie.  
  
"Ewwww!" shrieked Candy.  
  
"You really know how to kill a moment, don't you?" said Jack pointedly.  
  
"Yes," said Frankie happily. "I have to. I have a hormonal elder teenage brother. It's a skill developed over the years."  
  
"Really?" said Jack, reaching behind him for a stone to throw at Frankie to shut her up.  
  
"Yes. He's called Stefan, and the amount of times I've ruined a romantic evening for him..." She rattled on. Jack carefully took aim.  
  
"He really hates me now, I can't understand-OW!"  
  
"Problem solved," said Jack, rolling over and going to sleep.  
  
Apologies to other rabid Johnny Depp fans out there, only one girl could end up with Jack! Fear not, I shall make it up to you...... 


	5. So, they're still on the island, and now...

The next morning they woke to the sound of shouts from the beach. Upon running down there, they saw that another ship had moored off the shore and that a small rowboat was heading towards the beach. Everyone else had already clustered on the beach, and Jack and Candy went to join them.  
  
"Hello," said the first sailor as he stepped onto the shore. "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, this is my fellow teacher Will, this is the girl who came along for the sake of it Elizabeth, this is my girlfriend Candy-"  
  
"Whaaaaaaa?" gagged Deb, choking on her lip-gloss.  
  
"Uh oh, I smell a lawsuit," said the Commodore.  
  
"Yay, go Bambi!" cheered Amber.  
  
"This is our resident passion-killer, Frankie-"  
  
"Why does she have a black eye?" asked a sailor.  
  
"And this is Stephanie. She's our president, judge, police commissioner, and coastguard captain."  
  
"You forget, I'm now foreign minister," said Stephanie, stepping forward and shaking the hand of the ship's captain. "Hello, I'm president, judge, police commissioner, coastguard captain and foreign minister. Welcome to my country. This is my personal assistant Brianna."  
  
"What?" gasped Brianna indignantly.  
  
"We'll talk," said Stephanie.  
  
"No we won't! I'm writing to my union!"  
  
"I call union chief!" yelled Stephanie.  
  
"What? You can't do that!" yelled Brianna.  
  
"Why?" shouted Stephanie.  
  
"Because...we already have a union chief!" said Brianna.  
  
"Oh yeah? Who?" said Stephanie sceptically.  
  
"Erm...err...well...Jack! Jack is union chief!"  
  
"Wha?" choked Jack, spitting out a mouthful of rum.  
  
"Yay! Let's hear it for Bambi! Hip hip – hooray! Hip hip – hooray!" cheered Amber.  
  
"Just SHUT UP!" yelled Seona.  
  
"You'd better not be talking to me," said Stephanie warningly.  
  
"Oh really? Who or what else would I be talking to?" said Seona sarcastically.  
  
"Oh, I don't know, what about my ar-"began Stephanie.  
  
"Whoa there," said Vaughn. "Peace, peace."  
  
"Fine," said Stephanie sulkily. "But she was at least talking THROUGH HER AR-"  
  
"Whoa! Keep a lid on it! We want to keep this clean," said Will. "We don't want a repeat of the 'Kindergarten Incident."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that was a blast, wasn't it?" reminisced Jack. "And what about the time we told those nuns to-"  
  
"You couldn't give us a lift to the mainland, could you?" asked Will quickly.  
  
"No," said the captain, giving him a strange look.  
  
"Why?" asked Rue.  
  
"Because you're bonkers. See you." They hurriedly piled back into the boat and rowed back to their ship.  
  
"How can Jack be union captain?" exploded Stephanie.  
  
"I'm not..." began Jack, but he was cut off by Brianna.  
  
"I'll give you rum..." she hissed.  
  
"Yeah, I'm union head!" he said enthusiastically.  
  
"And I'm his deputy!" said Brianna.  
  
"What? Oh yeah, she's my deputy," said Jack.  
  
"And we're rebelling against your regime!" concluded Brianna.  
  
"We're what?" said Jack.  
  
"Rebelling against her regime. Remember?" said Brianna threateningly.  
  
"Erm, yeah."  
  
"Good. So we're taking over. You can have the other half of the island for your dictatorship, and we'll have this half for the Republic. Fair?"  
  
"No!" said Stephanie. "The other half's a bog!"  
  
"It's a swamp, actually. Now move!" Brianna pulled out her sword. "Whoever's with me, stay here. Whoever's with her, get into that swamp. Now git!"  
  
Several hours later, everyone on the Republic side was enjoying roast kookaburra from the jungle and singing songs round the fire they had set up on the beach.  
  
"Hey, do you think we should let Stephanie have some?" said Will. "She's all on her own over there."  
  
"When she's willing to give up her power, she'll come over," said Seona.  
  
"How you doing over there, Stephanie?" called Ebony, heaving another tree trunk onto the fire.  
  
Stephanie was standing waist deep in brackish swamp-water and shivering.  
  
"I'm doing just fine, actua-AHHHH!" She screamed as a frog leapt out of the water and narrowly missed her nose.  
  
"You don't look it. Why don't you come over?" suggested Rue.  
  
"No, thanks. I'm popular here."  
  
"How'd you figure that out?" said Jack.  
  
"By holding a vote. Who here likes me?" She raised her hand. "OK, 1. Who here doesn't like me?" She looked around expectedly. There was no sign of any conflicting vote, mainly because Stephanie was the sole inhabitant of her dictatorship. "See? A unanimous vote in my favour. Nya- ha-ha-ha-ha!"  
  
"Fine," said Brittany. "Come over whenever you're ready."  
  
"Hmmmmph!" said Stephanie. 


	6. Would you think birdwatchers looked like...

One morning about two weeks later, everyone was woken by Candy's yelling.  
  
"A boat, a boat, a boat!" she shouted, jumping up and down on the spot.  
  
Everyone looked. There was indeed another boat moored offshore, with a small rowboat heading towards the beach.  
  
"Hello!" yelled Jack, running towards the beach and waving.  
  
"Hi," said the captain of the boat.  
  
"Well," began Jack, but Stephanie pushed past him and held out her hand.  
  
"I'm foreign minister, how can I help you?" she said with a grin.  
  
The captain eyed her sodden clothes and messy hair. "You have a frog in your hair," he said.  
  
"Anyway, you're not foreign minister, I am," said Brianna. "This is the Republic."  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is!"  
  
"IS NOT!"  
  
"IS!"  
  
"Can we have a lift back to the mainland?" interjected Will quickly.  
  
"Yeah," said the sailor nervously. "Come aboard."  
  
Later that morning, the group were sitting in a stateroom below decks as the ship headed for the mainland. Elizabeth had finally forgiven Will, and he and Jack were arguing over who loved their girlfriend more.  
  
"I love Elizabeth more!" said Will.  
  
"No, I love Candy more!" shouted Jack, gesturing wildly with his rum bottle.  
  
"Oh yeah? I don't see a ring!" yelled Will.  
  
"Yet," said Jack.  
  
"Hello? Marriage is an outdated idea designed solely so that men can control their women-"began Julia angrily.  
  
"Sounds good to me!" shouted Jack, swigging from his rum bottle.  
  
"Not to me," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Oh no," muttered Will.  
  
"Will, I don't want to take your name," said Elizabeth.  
  
"What?" said Will.  
  
"And I want to be my own person!" she shouted, picking up steam.  
  
"You go girl!" said Julia.  
  
"And I don't want to wear your jewellery!" shouted Elizabeth, pulling off her engagement ring and earrings, but pausing over the enormous diamond necklace around her neck. "Well, maybe I want to wear your diamond," she conceded, "but it isn't symbolic!" She handed over all her other jewellery to Will.  
  
"What am I supposed to do with all this?" said Will, flabbergasted.  
  
"I'll give you two pieces of cursed Aztec gold for the lot," hissed Jack. "And I'll throw in an empty rum bottle to seal the deal."  
  
"What? Why you...little...you cheap...you...sneaky...why you...sold," said Will, handing over the jewellery and pocketing the coins and rum bottle.  
  
"All right!" yelled Jack, pulling out his gold hoop earring and putting on Elizabeth's chandelier-sized diamond sparkler. "Swish!"  
  
"What about the ring?" asked Deb hopefully.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Candy!"  
  
"Yes?" Candy looked up from her book.  
  
"Come over here." Candy promptly obliged. Jack promptly pulled her onto his lap, grabbed her hand and slipped on the ring. "You remind me of the planet Venus," he said.  
  
"Isn't that the one with the poisonous-"began Frankie.  
  
"Don't even think about it," said Jack, pulling out his cutlass.  
  
Frankie gulped. "OK," she muttered.  
  
"Good." Jack leaned over and gave Candy a kiss.  
  
"Oh my god," breathed Candy.  
  
"Oh my god," breathed Julia, repulsed.  
  
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Deb petulantly. "Why her?"  
  
"Oh, Bambi!" said Amber.  
  
"Ewwww! PDA alert!" gagged Rue.  
  
"I think it's sweet," said Ebony firmly.  
  
"Ahhhh! It's like 'The Sound Of Music," said Seona moonily. "Except he's not German. Or Jewish. Oh, and we're not being chased by Nazis. Or singing nuns."  
  
"What?" asked Candy.  
  
"Oh, I don't know," admitted Seona.  
  
"Excuse me, we'll be entering the port soon." The ship's captain stuck his  
  
head round the door of the stateroom.  
  
"Ooooohhh! Can I dock it?" asked Frankie eagerly.  
  
"Me too?" said Katie.  
  
"Yeah...I suppose so," said the captain.  
  
"Are you sure that's wise..." began Will, but the girls had disappeared onto the deck with the captain.  
  
The group looked up as voices started to echo through the ceiling.  
  
"Steer it to the right," said the captain.  
  
"I've got it, I've got it," said Frankie. There was a muffled conversation and maniacal giggling from above.  
  
"To the left," said the captain.  
  
"I know, I know," muttered Frankie, and the ship suddenly lurched to the left.  
  
"Mind the-"came the captain's voice again, followed by a loud crash and the ship suddenly listing heavily to the left.  
  
"Ooops...I think I screwed up..." Frankie's voice came through the ceiling again before water began to pour in through the door.  
  
"Does anyone have deja vu?" asked Jack.  
  
There was suddenly a scream from above. "Deja vu?" screeched Katie. "Deja vu?" There was the sound of running footsteps, screaming and a splash as she threw herself over the side of the ship.  
  
"Look," said Frankie, sticking her head through the door. "Don't mention foreshadowing, destiny, fate, deja vu or anything Matrix related in front of Katie. She is very sensitive about that sort of thing. The captain is currently pulling her back out of the water."  
  
"Then who's watching the wheel of the boat?" asked Will.  
  
"Oh bugger!" yelled Frankie. "Every time!" She turned to run up the stairs, but there was suddenly a much louder crunch and a gaping hole appeared in the wall before water started pouring in.  
  
"Abandon ship!" yelled the captain.  
  
"Does anyone have deja-"began Jack.  
  
"Don't even think about saying it," warned Frankie.  
  
Once again there was a mad rush for the exits. And, once again, it was all caused by Katie and Frankie.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry," said Katie petulantly, "but in my opinion, that was a very silly place for someone to leave a rock."  
  
"No one left it there!" yelled the captain.  
  
"Somebody must have," said Frankie.  
  
"No! They didn't! It was just - there!" spluttered the captain.  
  
"Why did you even join the crew?" asked Jack incredulously.  
  
"To kick cursed-pirate butt!" yelled Frankie and Katie in unison.  
  
Jack recoiled, clutching his ears. "Ow," he muttered. "Loud."  
  
"But we weren't going after cursed pirates," said Will.  
  
"I know, but it's the Caribbean! There's got to be some around somewhere," said Katie.  
  
"And we're always prepared," said Frankie determinedly. "Listen to this!" She took a deep breath, then said, "And the blood to be repaid?" in a trembling, hushed voice.  
  
"Erm - very good," said Will, for want of anything else to say.  
  
"Thanks. We've been practising, haven't we, Katie?" said Frankie.  
  
"Yeah! Listen to this!" said Katie, taking a huge breath. Everyone braced themselves.  
  
"HOW'S YOUR FOOTWORK?" she bellowed at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Christ on a bike," muttered Jack, shaking his head. "That's some lungpower."  
  
"Anything else?" asked Will nervously.  
  
"Oh yeah," said Frankie, before putting on her best Jack Sparrow accent.  
  
"Onesies! You need to get yourself a girl, mate! Why is the rum gone? I love weddings, drinks all round! SAVVY!"  
  
"Hey, cool," said Will.  
  
"Yeah," said Jack, sweating slightly. It was amazingly unsettling to see your every word and mannerism parodied by a fifteen-year-old-girl.  
  
"And...STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!" Frankie concluded in a deafening bellow. Several car alarms went off nearby.  
  
"You don't have a ship," pointed out Will.  
  
"Maybe not. Yet," said Frankie, giving the Commodore an ominous look.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute-" began Will.  
  
"Shut up, you're next!" snapped Frankie in her best Barbossa voice. Will's chin started to wobble.  
  
"Oh, my poor sweet Orli! I didn't mean to frighten you, Leggy dear," exclaimed Frankie, clutching him to her formidable bosom.  
  
"Is anyone else worried?" asked Jack.  
  
"Better now, Orli baby?" asked Frankie, holding him at arm's length to examine him.  
  
"Um...fine," said Will. There was an embarrassed silence.  
  
"So what do we do now?" asked Will haltingly, out of sheer desperation to change the subject.  
  
"Let's go shopping!" yelled Elizabeth.  
  
"Yeah!" yelled all the other girls, streaming off into the town's shopping streets.  
  
"Shopping it is then, mate," said Jack. "I'm going to the pub. See you later."  
  
"Hey! Cursed pirates!" yelled Katie. "Avast!"  
  
"Avast!" cheered Frankie happily. "At last a chance to kick some cursed pirate butt!" She pulled a broom out of a nearby hut and, brandishing it, stalked over towards the suspected cursed pirates with Katie in tow.  
  
"Whoa!" Will stepped in front of them. "How do you know they're cursed pirates?"  
  
"Just look at them! They're evil! Look at the way they're dressed!" said Frankie.  
  
"Oi! Are you cursed pirates?" called Katie.  
  
"Why, no," said the oldest man in the group. "We're the Royal Ornithological Society."  
  
"Birdwatchers!" breathed Frankie with anticipation. "That's close enough!" She looked at Will again. "Move!"  
  
"No!" said Will bravely and/or foolishly (Fanfiction readers : delete as applicable)  
  
"Please move?" asked Frankie impatiently.  
  
"No!" repeated Will.  
  
Frankie sighed and pulled out a water pistol filled with mustard, which she pointed at Will. "This shot is not meant for you," she said.  
  
"Who's it meant for?" asked Will.  
  
"Duh! Deb," said Katie. "I've also got some balloons filled with ketchup with Elizabeth's name on them."  
  
"Well, that and 'Happy Birthday'," said Frankie.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry I had to buy bankrupt stock from the Birthday Barn," said Katie. "Why don't you buy our ammunition sometime?"  
  
"Fine, I will," said Frankie.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
"Whoa," muttered Will nervously. Never before had the word 'fine' carried so much menace. "So," he said nervously, "What other ammunition have you got there?"  
  
"Hmmm...paint bombs, itching powder, a whole bunch of irregular Oreos," said Katie.  
  
"As well as a whole bunch of spoons that some weird kid from the Matrix kept giving me," said Frankie.  
  
"He had such a crush on her," said Katie. "He must have given her like three hundred spoons!"  
  
"Yeah. We didn't know what to do with them, so we just use them for ammunition," said Frankie.  
  
"Oh," said Will, for want of anything else to say in response to a statement like this.  
  
"Yeah, and now we've got birdwatching cursed pirates to deal with," she continued. "So move."  
  
Right, time for some shameless plugging, as I am getting zilch reviews pretty much...one, I recently posted a Ring parody called 'Samara gets a makeover'-I think the title's pretty self explanatory. Also, I've got another fanfic running called 'An Extremely Strange Parody of Several Horror Stories' in the movie crossover section. It's where Will and Elizabeth from POTC throw a Halloween party and it has loads of characters from other stories like LOTR, the Matrix, Edward Scissorhands, The Ring etc. It's way weird. Also, I'm going to be posting the first chapter of a LOTR parody called 'The Lord of the Soap on a Ropes.' Just don't ask, people. 


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